By: Kiara Wijewardene
- Exploring the stages of Hurt, Healing, Hotter and Happiness in the journey through heartbreak.
Heartbreak: An emotion most of us are all too familiar with; heartbreak is a collection of responses to loss or disappointment which is followed by intense feelings of anger, sadness, loneliness, confusion - the list goes on. Basically, heartbreak plants the seeds of a tree which spreads its roots into each and every aspect on a person’s life, putting us through a plethora of emotions which are not always easy to make sense of. It’s safe to say that experiencing a heartbreak can leave a person feeling absolutely insane, and completely out of touch which themselves. Yet, it’s important to recognize that such hysteria is only normal (in most cases!)
In this article, we’ll explore the four H’s of Heartbreak; a roadmap for navigating the emotional terrain of love lost. From the initial stage of hurt to the final stage of happiness, we’ll dive into the emotional stages, backed by science and a dose of empowerment. So, grab a cup of tea (or any sort of beverage that helps you cope), take a deep breath, and let’s explore how heartbreak can be not just the end of a chapter, but the beginning of a powerful new story.
STAGE ONE: THE HURT STAGE
The “Hurt Sage” is the initial stage of heartbreak, also considered to be the most painful. Of all five stages named throughout this article, the ‘hurt’ stage is undoubtedly the most lethal and excruciating stage of all. In this phase, emotions tend to feel overwhelming; grief, sadness, anger and even confusion.
You might find yourself questioning what went wrong or why things fell apart, you might experience intense hatred towards the other person or the ‘heartbreaker’ while also missing them with every particle of your being.
This stage consists of experiencing every oxymoronic emotion that has ever been identified. Sadness and joy, confusion and clarity, anger and peace, hatred and love, the list continues.
According to studies, 40% of people experienced clinical depression after the end of a romantic relationship while another 12% reported moderate to severe depression. Heartbreak can also give rise to other negative symptoms such as sleeplessness, substance abuse, self-harm, and intrusive thoughts; most of which are experienced by almost everyone undergoing the “hurt” stage.
This stage is the raw one where the heart is at its most fragile - so naturally, it’s normal to feel as though you’re losing your grip on reality, because in a way, you’re grieving the absence of someone who was a constant presence. Heartbreak is almost akin to the death of a person; a profound loss of someone who was once so central to your life and routines. The world suddenly feels emptier. You find yourself constantly missing them, hoping for a call, or wishing you would just bump into them somehow on your morning run to Coffee Bean (although you know they would never be up that early!) Yet, at the same time, you may find yourself wanting to avoid them - it’s a constant push and pull. Even during the times where you find yourself not wanting to ever lay eyes on them again, the desire remains, like embers in the fire. Like a pull you can’t escape. They seem to haunt you everywhere. You see them in faces of strangers, feel their presence in every song. The memory of their laugh echoes in your mind, and their smile keeps reappearing in your thoughts (it hurts way more if they had dimples - trust me!) You still feel the heaviness of their hand in yours. It’s as though you’re trapped in a constant loop, switching between wanting to forget and longing to hold on, while being haunted by memories that won’t seem to fade. Afterall, how are you supposed to just forget them when you’ve memorized the lines of their palms or the way their hair falls over their face in delicate curls or even their favorite type of gummy bears?
The answer to these questions is that you simply will not forget all these details about them - because you can’t. I once came across a quote which read “they will hook me up to a polygraph and ask me if I love you and I will say no, but the needle will jump and sputter to the exact tune of your laugh,” It’s as though no matter how much you try to convince yourself or the world that you’ve let go, there’s part of them that is so deeply etched in you that you cannot hide it .
A polygraph reveals the truth even when you try to suppress it - the needle jumping to indicate how the little moments, the pieces of them you thought you could forget are so intertwined with you that they come rushing back in the most unexpected ways. You can deny, deny, deny, reject, and scream, “no” at the top of your lungs, but inside, your heart is still playing their laugh on loop and the pain of that loss is still alive in you.
STAGE TWO: THE HEALING STAGE
Once the initial heartache subsides, regardless of how much time it may take, the ‘hurt’ stage is followed by healing stage. This second stage is the calm after the storm, the light at the end of the tunnel (or halfway through the tunnel), the rewarding iced milo after a hot sunny day. The hurt is inevitable but processing emotions and feeling your feelings in the hurt stage is necessary in order to turn over a new leaf or work your way towards doing so. Studies depict that it takes an average of three months to begin feeling emotionally stable after a breakup, but full recovery can take anywhere between six months to two years. I know what you might be thinking – two years?! Yes! Sadly, moving on isn’t as easy as we’d all hope. We begin to accept the reality of the situation and look inward, our emotional turbulence begins to calm, and we shift from “missing them,” to focusing on ourselves. During this period, it is important to shift our focus onto our well-being, actively taking part in self-care. Allowing ourselves to feel whatever emotions arise is also a vital part of healing and moving on. Suppressing emotions will only turn us into ticking time bombs; ready to explode at any given moment. Eat your favorite foods, scream out the lyrics to every Taylor Swift song you can relate to and focus on the life ahead of you!
However, even at this stage, the thought of the ‘heartbreaker’ may return, and this is completely normal. The haunting, the feeling that you’re still tethered to them may sneak up on you from time to time, but it is all part of the healing process. Even as you try to move forward, their essence will linger. Love is something that you can’t just “turn off,” like a light switch (unfortunately!) Yet, this whirlwind of emotions and memories are all part of the healing stage, and it is completely normal and valid. It’s a sign that you loved deeply, allowed yourself to be vulnerable, and that the person mattered to you in a way that others may find appalling. Although this stage can feel overwhelming, this rainbow of emotions is an indication that you have the capacity to move on.
The intensity of the hurt reflects the depth of your emotional connection, and in time, the pain will soften allowing you to cherish the memories while opening up space for new chapters in your life. It is proof that, as much as it feels like you’re being haunted, you are also on a path of rediscovering yourself and learning how to love again.
STAGE THREE: THE HOTTER STAGE
Ah, stage three: hotter! Welcome to the moment you look in the mirror and think “who is that flawless, radiant creature?” You’ve gone from a breakup-butterfly to a full on, glow up phoenix. Suddenly, you’re rocking new outfits like you’re in a fashion show every time you leave your house, your self- care routine includes more than just pizza and Netflix, and your confidence is so high that even your ex wouldn’t recognize you if they tried. You’re radiating energy that says, “not only am I thriving; I’m thriving in style,” and everyone is noticing. The best part? You’re not just surviving this breakup anymore; you’re thriving like it was part of the plan all along.
Coco Chanel hit the nail on the head when she said, “the best color in the world is the one that looks good on you,” and, in the hotter stage of a breakup, that “color” is confidence, and honey, it’s looking fabulous on you. This stage is where self- love and the work you’ve done on yourself starts shining through in full force. Your skin’s clearer, your hair’s not dull and lifeless anymore, and that weight in your chest - it’s practically as withered as a shriveled-up prune. You’re glowing, and it’s not just from your skincare routine; it’s that surge of new-found confidence! You’ve officially leveled up to a version of yourself that’s hotter, stronger, and an absolute force to reckoned with! If confidence were a color, it’d be all over you. This stage also indicates that you’re ready to move on to the fourth and final stage of “happiness” (finally!)
STAGE FOUR: THE HAPPINESS STAGE
At last, we reach the fourth and final stage - the “happiness” stage. After the tears, the angry rants, and the self-reflective Google searches (“why does my heart hurt so much?” and “is it normal to eat an entire pizza by yourself?”), you eventually reach this stage, the “happiness” stage of heartbreak. It’s the unexpected twist in the plot, the moment that you realize, maybe, just maybe, being single isn’t the worst thing ever. In fact, it could be the best thing ever. Sure, you still have those emotional tidal waves that hit you out of nowhere (thanks to the sad songs and engagement announcements on Instagram), but you’ve also discovered a surprising peace. You learn to enjoy your own company in a way you never did before and, guess what? You’re actually kind of good at it.
Whether its binge-watching a show without having to explain why you’re watching the 47th re-run of your favorite episode, or relishing in the joy of eating an entire pizza without judgment, you start to realize that happiness isn’t about filling the empty space left by someone else - it’s about finding contentment within yourself, and who knew self-love comes with a side of humor? You’ll catch yourself laughing at the absurdity of your past self, as if you’ve finally stepped out of a fog and into your own, personal stand-up comedy routine. The punchline? You’re the star of the show, and you’re actually having a pretty good time.
So, there you have it. The Four “H’s” of Heartbreak; Hurt, Healing, Hotter and Happiness. Each stage is your personal epic, and while some parts might be like an emotional whiplash, the end result is nothing short of transformation. Hurt knocks you down but healing picks you up and hands you a metaphorical toolkit for life and by the time you’ve reached the “hotter” stage you’re strutting through life with more confidence; self -love and probably a glow that’s got nothing to do with highlighter! And of course, we finish with the cherry on top; Happiness. It’s not about rushing into anything new but rather about realizing who you were all along. You’ve survived the roller coaster of heartbreak and emerged as a version of yourself that’s stronger, wiser, and a whole lot hotter than before. So, here’s to embracing all the “H’s” - because who knew heartbreak could be your ticket to the ultimate glow- up!
